Lizzie     October 19 at 5:43pm

So, here goes:

I went to the “Ladies’ Retreat” that spring morning because I was depressed and the topic was “Joy.” I didn’t want to be depressed anymore, and I figured I was in the state I was in because of a lack of faith.

I entered the sanctuary to see a smiling, toothy, bleached-blonde woman at the pulpit. She was wearing a very shiny blouse and tugging obsessively at a too-small crocheted bolero sweater. Heavy eye makeup and very pink lipstick.  She reminded me of some of the high-strung, ever-smiling, toothsome women I’d met when my friend Julie dragged me to a Mary Kay motivational breakfast.

The sanctuary was packed with women from the church and community–the event had been advertised heavily for weeks. Betsy (not her real name) was, after all, an award-winning singer on the Christian Contemporary charts and (in church circles, at least) a popular motivational speaker.

She began her talk:

“Look at y’all, with yer glum faces and yer matchin’ hairdos. (Cluck, cluck).  Looks like y’all need an infusion of the Lord’s joy. Well, listen close, cause Betsy’s gonna give it to ya.  

It was endless. One proof-text after another, trying to make us (women she’d never met before and did not know at all) feel ashamed and repentant for our sin of “joylessness before the Lord.”

I looked around me. Heads nodding. Dutiful sheep. “Baaaahhhh,” I think, including myself in my own judgment of the crowd. Yes, Betsy (who we’ve paid our entire annual ladies’ fund budget to come tell us this). We are lapping up all that you say. We are joyless sheep indeed. O heal us with thy Southern-drawl, “girlfriend” wisdom.

About an hour into the talk, Betsy warmed to the subject of women’s roles. “Listen up, y’all. We’ve had lotsa debate about this subject a wahfly SUBmission in th’church. And that’s silly, cause it’s all really simple when ya take the Bahble seriously. Today yer friend Betsy’s gonna tell ya the answer to this question a wahfly submission.

Clears throat, thrusts shoulders forward, widens eyes, tugs hard at crocheted bolero sweater. (Does she think she can make that sweater come down past mid-breast if she tugs hard enough?)

Ladies, Ah got me here an UM-brella. (grabs enormous, rainbow-colored golf umbrella that has been stashed and is waiting behind the lectern)

Yer HUS-band (pregnant pause) is (puts up umbrella) yer proTECtion (longer pregnant pause, then lowers voice into an emotion-laden choked-up growl) aginst the FIERY DARTS a’HELL!

With umbrella still up and twirling around her head like a Mary Poppins Disney vignette, she shoots us an intense and serious mascara-y squint.

“Well, some of y’all might be sitting in those pews sayin’, “Betsy.” (Stops to tug at sweater and bats eyes for emphasis)

“Mah UM-brella’s done shot fulla holes.”

Points finger at us.

“And I say to you LADIES…”

“Better an UM-brella that’s done shot fulla holes…”

long pause as she gets choked up and misty

“Than (voice breaking) no UM-brella a’tall”

I think to myself. “Hmmm…if I’ve got Satan’s fiery darts raining down upon my head, am I going to rely upon a multi-colored umbrella that’s done shot fulla holes? NO way! I’m going to dive behind that big overgrown bush over there.”

I look around. Anyone else out there about to crack up? Come on! I need someone I can go to the ladies’ room with to have some JOY over this.

No. All heads nodding. “Baaaaaaaah.”

 

(Gotta go attend to a crisis here at home. Enough of this falderal…)

 

Jane     October 19 at 8:20pm

<in her best beavis and butthead voice>

She said falderal… heh heh heh

OMG, that was fabulous! You need to publish it. If you have to do it pseudonymously, so be it.

Possible title:

“Mah UM-brella’s Done Shot Fulla Holes And So Is My Belief In This Church”

I could go on and on. It’s brilliant. You must blog it. Something. It is too good for only your crazy Northerner Jewish Friend to read. Seriously. I’ll still be your friend in the eternal fiery lake, I promise…

What’s the crisis? Is all okay? I’ll be here all night, hunting eggs and watching my vampire stories…  (I love True Blood, sigh…)