Well, as my fellow Scrooge Lizzie has duly noted, that “most wonderful time of the year…” is upon us.

Chanukah, Christmas, Kwanzaa…  Malls, online shopping, a thousand catalogs in the mail and special offers pouring into my in-box each and every day.  Fruit cake and egg nogg.  Company holiday parties and an explosion of all things scented pine. There are some truly special and wonderful things about all mid-winter holidays, but at times they tend to be overshadowed by the darker side of these shortest days of the year.  And just for the record, please let it be known that I am in total accord with Lizzie regarding the humongous blow up lawn décor.  Yikes!

So without further ado, I bring you my own Rant of Seasonal Discontent.

1. Turning Chanukah into Christmas.  This one is at the top of my list.  Please don’t misunderstand, I am always happy to share Christmas cheer with my family and friends who celebrate Christmas.  I enjoy it, even.  But…  Let us not forget, that were it not for an unfortunate proximity to the Christianization of ancient, pre-monotheism festivals of light and the mid-winter Solstice, Chanukah would be among the more minor of Jewish holidays.  The story of the Miracle of the Oil lasting Eight Days is a fine one, the battles and victory of the Maccabees is that rare successfulaction/adventure injection into Jewish history.  The candles shining brightly in my Chanukah Menorah (Chanukkiah, to be more accurate) are beautiful.  Which is why this holiday should be about the above-mentioned miracle, candles, latkes and spinning the dreidel.  Maybe some chocolate gelt for really well behaved children.  The Adam Sandler-esque Eight Crazy Nights of Christmas-Competitive Gift Giving has removed meaning and authenticity from Chanukah.  And please, no Harry Chanukah!
2. The War on Christmas With no apologies whatsoever to Bill O’Reilly.  Give it up already.  Not all of us celebrate the birth of Jesus.  Not all of us appreciate the slippery slope that is the non-separation of Church and State that befalls us every December.  (Crèche and Menorah on the town hall lawn, anyone?)  Do I mind it when people wish me a Merry Christmas?  Well no, I can appreciate good cheer and well wishes as much as the next person.   Truthfully, I have too many other things to pick a bone with.  I ‘m just dog-tired of the disingenuous faux-oppression of the dominant religious culture that refuses to see we all don’t celebrate the way they do.  Every year I am careful to remind my children as they respond to Christmas well wishers everywhere that it’s nice to wish people a happy whatever, but to please remember who they are and what they celebrate.   You know the greeter at the store is just being extra-friendly to put me in a good mood so I will buy more.  Where is that greeter/sales help every other month of the year?  This is NOT the true meaning of Christmas.  I am just guessing, but maybe Jesus would have been perfectly content with a friendly and sincerely heartfelt  “Happy Holidays”.
3. Christmas that starts the day after Halloween. Please, please, please for the love of whomever you pray to, DO NOT start Christmas decorating and piping holiday music into stores, houses and other spaces … on November 1.  I love Christmas Trees, ornaments, and especially lights, I really do.  But not until after Thanksgiving.  Which brings me to my next rant…
4. Black Friday I know I’m a bit late to jump on the bandwagon with this one.  But why has this become a national holiday/pastime?   I get it, about retailers heading back into the black after Thanksgiving.  I know the economy is sucking hugely right now.  Retailers and consumers are aching.   But there are plenty of savings and discounts offered throughout December.  Throughout the year, even.  But when innocent retail workers get trampled to death while zombie-bargain hunting shoppers blithely ignore announcements to please leave the store due to a tragic death, it’s time to perhaps ease up on the post-Turkey shopping.  Most online retailers eased up on charging shipping this year, anyway.
5. Being told that having complaints during, or especially about, this season means I have no holiday spirit.   Get over yourself, you festive person in the heinous green and red candy cane sweater, complete with matching socks and a Santa hat!   I can enjoy the spirit of kindness and love and giving, and still be a snarky SOB. Without snowman earrings, thank you very much.  I can feel good will toward my fellow everyone, including you judgmental snobs who insist there is no room for sarcasm during the December peace-and-goodwillopalooza.  Someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas doesn’t want to be wished a Merry Christmas?  Or just wants recognition of their own practice?  If anyone does not wish to stand under the over-decorated umbrella of Santa’s maniacal merriment, why should that diminish the fun for the Christmas crowd?  Even if someone just wants to MAKE FUN OF ALL OF IT, they should be able to do so without a smug “tsk, tsk” from those who insist we are not sharing the spirit of the season.  Fa la la la la, la la la la-a-a-a-a-ah!