Jane:
Before Gina Welch’s final preparations for the Alaskan Salt and Light Evangelical mission, her mother arrived for a visit. They had a great conversation about a Phillip Roth public radio interview. Roth had told the interviewer that he did not envy the religious, because he wouldn’t want to be delusional. (oy, I can hear my father saying the exact same thing!) Obviously, her mother agreed with Roth. Gina’s response seemed to define a lot of her experience at Thomas Road Baptist Church, and her Alaskan trip:
"I told her that what I envied most about Christians was not the God thing – it was having a community gathering each week, a touchstone for people who share values, a safe place to be frank about your life’s struggles, a place to be reminded of your moral compass".
She felt that without the TRBC community, some of the people she’d met there would have no community at all. In her search to understand Evangelical Christians, she’d begun to at least understand their need for "certainty, the desire to tighten the straps on the universe by claiming to have a handbook…"
Wow – that feeling of community as a touchstone. It has fueled my own synagogue experiences. I may not attend weekly Shabbat services anymore, but my continued involvement with my current congregation is in no small part based around the desire for, and fulfillment of, that need for community.
Gina’s mother was clearly unnerved by her daughter’s project, and I assumed, the depths into the evangelical community into which she’d plunged (more Baptism imagery, not entirely unintentional). She attended a Sunday service with Gina. Was that a huge risk for both of them? Would Gina be "exposed"? Was it scary and nerve wracking for either of them? Her mother observed the goings-on at services, Gina’s interactions, and warned her about specific people. She told Gina she was considering "sending out a deprogrammer". I realized Gina’s gift for describing a scene so keenly, so humorously, but with an eye for perfect little details -might have been a a gift bestowed upon her by her mother – who was clearly paying watchful, careful attention.
Soon after, Gina left for Alaska.
This part of her story described her experiences evangelizing to local people in small Alaskan towns. It was also during this time period that Gina became more closely involved in friendships with her fellow mission-mates. Closer bonds were forged by their mutual traveling and evangelizing experiences.
Perhaps her most significant experience on the Light and Salt evangelical mission occurred at in a church basement, at a children’s program. Welch was clearly uneasy with something as seemingly innocent as a children’s magic show. A magic show which taught about Heaven and Hell, that explained to the children that "Death and … hell is punishment for our sins, which can only be washed away by our Lord Jesus Christ". She was struck by the dichotomy of white, middle class "authority figures" and the poor children of color. She was disturbed by the falsely secular setting, which was not secular at all but delivered the gospel message to children by aggressive church workers. There were games, crafts, the magic show… And then Gina found herself standing there with a 9 year old girl, Clara. She realized she was there to save Clara’s soul, to count her among the 100 souls the mission had set out to save. She looked into the eyes of a sad, scared child who was in turn looking up to her, with a huge, unmet need for security and safety. The warnings were clanging loudly in her head. She was rationalizing her actions with the idea that leaving would do the child more harm than staying and doing what she was there to do. There she was, reading a pamphlet with Clara: "… if you will receive Jesus as your savior, he will take away your sins and you will be God’s child forever"…
Gina knew this child had reached out to her, searching for a connection. Clara hadn’t been interested in evangelical doctrine, probably hadn’t understood it, but she’d hungrily connected with an adult who seemed to notice and care about her. Which is what the evangelical children’s program was designed to produce. After more games, Gina handed Clara a beaded bracelet from the day’s craft, to remember the day by. And she was gone.
Soon after this, Gina and others from Salt and Light embarked upon a fishing expedition. Gina noticed a hunting plaque under an impressive rack of caribou antlers. She pointed it out to the group’s leader: "Caribou Hunt of Denial". He reminded her it should’ve read, "Denali". She nervously laughed, he seemed mildly irritated.
The fishing trip wasn’t an actual fishing trip. It was the surprise baptism (at least to Gina) of Xander, a member of the Salt and Light group. With growing rain clouds and whipping wind, the young man waded into the river, in surfing shorts. In another of my favorite lines in the book, Gina wrote: "we hadn’t pulled any fish from the river that day, but here we were, about to pull out a new Christian".
This Baptism was so different in so many ways from Gina’s own. In a cold Alaskan river, Xander was baptised by the leader of Salt and Light, his pastor and spiritual teacher and guide. Surely there was great emotional meaning in the breathtakingly beautiful national park. It would be easy to see how such spectacular, raw nature could be viewed as God’s creation, proof of God’s glory. (if one were so inclined…) Made all the more meaningful on a mission trip where Xander had himself been commissioned to save souls. In stark contrast, Gina’s baptism had seemed rather mundane – extra underwear from TJ Maxx and all.
Even up to the finish of Gina’s project, her mother continued to question her daughter, most likely in an attempt to make sure Gina hand’t been swallowed up by the evangelicals. She once asked Gina if anyone from the church did any follow up on those people who’s souls they’d saved in Alaska. It was no surprise to her mom to learn there was no further contact, and it was no surprise to Gina (or to me!) that her mother wondered if the evangelicals were "padding the roster"…
Caribou Hunt of Denial, indeed. Gina could no longer deny the emotional discrepancies of her project, the hypocrisies, and betrayals of those she’d grown close to. Baptism without belief; saving souls without faith (especially that of a young child, who was desperately seeking security and affection); and bonding closely with friends and mentors who were unaware of her deceptive purpose. Through to the end of the book, Gina continued to examine her conflicts, her own beliefs – political and to an extent, spiritual , and wrote about her process of sifting through it all.
Soon after Gina returned from Alaska, she began the painstaking process of detaching from the TRBC community. She’d become very close and emotionally tied to her mission-mates. Those friends did not see her agonizing process, only her abrupt departure. By this point, she no longer saw them as the a vague group of people she sought to understand, in a detached academic way – but as real people, with whom she’d formed real bonds. She did gain understanding, and the knowledge of her painful betrayal was the price she’d paid for that understanding. Did she finally reconnect with those friends, and honestly account for her presence and sudden absence? You’ll have to read the book to find out.
In the end, Gina left TRBC convinced that she did not, after all, share the belief and faith others in that church unswervingly held onto. The church had brought her comfort, and a sense of community. This resonates very personally for me. I continue to question and wrestle with Judaism and God; and what it all means to me. I am able to leave the option of belief and faith open. I actively participate in my synagogue, and do not hide the wobbliness of my belief. Gina knew she had to make a choice, she couldn’t sustain the connection without belief. Her friends would expect unquestioning belief if she remained.
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